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*I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now! *

*You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.*

*Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.*

*You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.*

*I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.*

*I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.*

*I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

*Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...*

*Old age is coming at a really bad time!*

*When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!*

*The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."*

*I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.*

*Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.*

*If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.*

*Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?*

*Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.*

*At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room
 

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LOL. those are great man!
I will say there is some truth to the one about teaching your daughter to shoot a gun!
 
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